Metal Transmissions from Orc Tower

Dr. Hellion Reviews Judas Priest at Priest Feast at Wembley Stadium, London, Feb 21. 2009

2009-02-23T22:16:00Z

Well, Inchoates, we have let quite some amount of time as you humans reckon it slip by since we've written a concert review. Not that the inhabitants of oRc ToweR haven't attended any--we've attended tons, including Iron Maiden 4 times last year, Amon Amarth, Metal Masters, etc. We've just kept ourselves busy laying plans for the inevitable Domination. Well, and, uh...okay, I'm forced to admit that one of our concert reviewers and slaves of oRc ToweR, Dr. Hellion (You recall, the lass I kidnapped and made her become a music journalist for reviewing the oRcs in concert), uh-hem, actually she escaped the oRc ToweR dungeon via an interdimensional portal she discovered somehow on her own. Sigh.

Ah well, not to worry, it seems once you go oRc you can't go back. The Hellion sent us this review of Judas Priest with Megadeth and Testament at the event known as "Priest Feast," though she was very chagrined to admit that she missed the Bay Area's own legendary Thrashers, Testament. I have long distance flogged her for being so remiss in her metal duties. Anyway, I'll let you read her review of the show. I think she gets the legendary abilities of Priest across very well, and it jibes with my recollection of Priest at the Metal Masters Tour. Without further ado...

Priest Feast, Wembley Arena, London. 21 February, 2009.

Somebody brought his dead rabbit to the concert. I saw him walking around, alone, with
a very large, furry white something cradled in his arms. Now I understand that the line
for the coat room was ridiculously long. And I understand that your dead bunny was
SUCH a Priest fan. But a Priest Feast concert is no place for a dead white rabbit.

Or is it?

Testament, Megadeth and Judas Priest tore up North London this weekend, and dead
rabbits were hardly out of place amid the hair, the metal, and The Metal.

Megadeth owned the stage, stalking about with their manes in full force and the wall
behind them one solid bank of speakers. They barely spoke, preferring instead to blow
our collective minds with all the guitar we could dream of. The one conversational bit
was when Mustaine observed that people always ask you about your song inspirations.
"Sometimes, you've just got to lie. We've been making metal for 30 years, and you just
can't give the same interview for 30 years. So this next song is about me and my
dentist."

Can you imagine being Mustaine's dentist?

Then Priest came on. They rolled out an enormous, elaborate stage, with levels and stairs
and elevators and a door in the middle, and a huge backdrop of Halford deified. Top
center of the stage was the drumset. Next to that were two tall columns. As the metal
began, Halford rose slowly from the column on the left, wearing a silver lamé druid cape
and hood. He sang Prophecy while standing there, still, holding a trident staff. You
couldn't see his face, and you couldn't take your eyes off him. THAT is stage presence.

The rest of their set was kinetic, magic, with Halford stalking and dancing around the
stage, reappearing from doors, sitting on thrones and motorcycles, and waving flags. He
was in rough voice, chanting low and singing the high falsettos with style, but hitting few
notes in between. He made up for it with sheer magnetism, and with chain mail fringes
hanging from his jacket sleeves. He used stillness as its own force; he sang Death sitting
down in a throne.

Halford's stylized motion was a perfect counterpoint to the howling guitars, that
screamed and swung together for extended musical interludes that just ran right through
this Minion. Halford changed his costume, and the stage hands changed the backdrop,
for nearly every song. This was a virtuous performance by real Masters.

After the first "ending", there was much chanting amongst us believers, and Halford
came back out alone, draped in an England flag and chanting into a microphone. He led
us in a sing-along, warming up our voices and teaching us. It seemed he'd been saving
some of his voice just for this. He walked back and forth across the stage, having us sing
gradually more elaborately, and then the band came out and we were commanded to sing
the opening bars of You've Got Another Thing Coming. Yes, Halford, whatever you say.

At the end, KK Downing and Glenn Tipton climbed to the tops of the columns on the
side of their stage, and the whole band struck a pose so classic, so stylish and iconic that I
felt if anything was going to resurrect that dead bunny, Priest would indeed have been it.

Yours unruly, Dr. Hellion

Priest's Set-list:

Dawn Of Creation/Prophecy
Metal Gods
Eat Me Alive
Between The Hammer And The Anvil
Devil's Child
Breaking The Law
Hell Patrol
Death
Dissident Aggressor
Angel
The Hellion/Electric Eye
Rock Hard, Ride Free
Sinner
Painkiller
Hell Bent For Leather
The Green Manalishi
You've Got Another Thing Coming

Raiding Report 1: ArnoCorps, A Band of Orcs, Stellar Corpses, the Back Up Razor, Teraton and Tater Famine at the Creeps 5th Anniversary Party, October 18, 2008

2008-10-21T18:51:00Z

Greetings Inchoates,

Gruesom Grimp, here, with a report from the front lines of A Band of Orcs first show among humans.

First off, the battle terrain favored the brutal aural onslaught the humans gathered at the Felton Asylum came to witness with three giant stone columns in the back-ground and an appropriate hill-fort stage on which the major ear-raids were to take place. Our legions prepared for the coming battle by sparing at Spaghetti Wrestling and Moped Jousting, in order to perfect their skill and hone their defenses.

Tater Famine began phase one of the raid by lulling the humans in the vicinity into a false sense of complacency with a folky acoustic set. They successfully executed their part o' the plan with vigor and drunken battle joy. Next came Teraton bringin' the heavy artillery with their brand of sludgy, doomy metal, against which the puny human ear-drumz stood no chance, such did they show their power.. Then the Back-up Razor moved in slicing and cutting their way through the fray with angry punk-rock precision. Many bled from wounds they did not know they even suffered!

After this sharp assault it came time to unleash the fabulous undead phase of the plan with the Stellar Corpses, whose skill in wielding the sword of psychobilly rock none can touch! This proved too much for the weak-eared humans in the area, who begged for reinforcements from the Sheriff of Feltingham and his levies to check the advance of the raiding party. They threatened to bring on a strong attack with fines and confiscation of equipment, but the fearless leadership of the Creeps Motocycle Club devised a new plan, suggesting that the remaining forces of A Band of Orcs and ArnoCorps retreat and regroup at the peerless General Timmy's bar, the Jury Room. So we gathered up our instruments of war and holed-up at the Jury Room where the Raid continued for the rest of the night.

A Band of Orcs, for the first time in this puny human world, staged their attack on frail human ear-drums and won many slaves for the coming Domination with their furious sonic onslaught, frightening visages, and chaotic jumping about. The human levies in the raid almost broke rank when a fight erupted among our own troops, which threatened to diminish the strength of the assault, but the oRcs were able to quell the minion-on-minion violence and refocus their efforts on the task at hand—totally oRcking out and having a fantastic time!

Speaking of fantastic, the last wave of the assault on frail human ear-drums came from action adventure heroes ArnoCorps, whose ballsy hardcore attack did not suffer at all from the smallness of the battle-stage. In fact, their special forces training and unparalleled military discipline allowed them to deliver an epic performance from the mosh pit.

Let us sacrifice to the demon-dragon Gzoroth for A Band of Orcs first victory over puny human ear-drums, and we welcome amongst our legions all the new slaves and minions gained from this raid.

The next raid will take place on Monday, October 27^th at the Elbo Room in LACE>San FranciscoLACE> with death metal legends Master and their label-mates Estuary.

Until the Domination, oRc on!!!!

Yours unruly,

Gruesom Grimp

Band Manager & Chaos Pundit

Skull Counts--News and Rumors for July 2008

2008-07-23T18:47:00Z

Here's what A Band of Orcs has in the works preparing for the invasion and Domination of this puny hurman realm.

Convention Appearances? Inchoates, we're presently working with Mountain Con to kick off the invasion and Domination in Salt Lake City, Utah on September 19 - 21. Mountain Con is a non-profit Science Fiction/Fantasy Convention that bills itself as "a celebration of fandom." They have begun assembling the cabal of lords and ladies of their realm to come up with the gold to pay the oRcs to pillage their puny convention. Should the deal go through, this will constitute the first time any of you wretched humans will see the orcs live, up-close, and dirty! So, if you're into gaming and and sonic plundering, keep that date in mind. We will let you know as soon as we get a deal or no/deal.

Halloween in San Diego? -- We're also currently working on a special Halloween show in San Diego at the Radio Room, formerly know as the Zombie Lounge. Keep your oRc ears pricked for more news on the show battle front.

Video Teaser! -- Director Jess Bryden has done some impressive work on the "Descent/Into the Maelstrom" Video, which is scheduled to set the world a-flame on August 23, 2008. Minion13 has once more acquire some still shot footage and put together a little trailer/teaser for you to watch HERE.

Hulg's Ghost

2008-07-23T18:26:00Z

Hulg's Ghost

by Helen the Hellion

Jed says this dungeon is haunted.

I think he's being ridiculous. This has got to be the world's youngest

dungeon. The Orcish slaves built it, what, in November? In nice, sunny

August? The mortar is barely dry! There are a grand total of two cobweb

spiders here, and I think one ate the other one last night. One evil

creature is permanently asleep. The Chihuahua counts as evil, but its

original name was probably Tulip Twinkletoes.

Oh yeah, I'm so afraid I can barely stand to open my eyes. Any ghost worth

the salt thrown over your left shoulder would be ashamed to be seen here.

"Jed," I keep asking him, "what could possibly have died here to haunt it?

I'm sure a few burrowing beetles were unhoused in the construction, but if

you're seeing beetle ghosts, you have some serious karma problems."

Then yesterday he really got insistent, yelling and cavorting and pointing

with both hands to the corner where Cobweb #1 has desperately been trying to

gather dust. "It's Hulg! It's Hulg! He's filled with rage! Or wait,

maybe he's laughing?"

Then he started talking to the "ghost," who immediately began bitching about

the appropriation of his body. Seems Hulg had signed some kind of "do not

reanimate" directive back in that world, and his ghost was pissed that the

Grimp had bypassed the rules by moving Hulg's body to a new dimension.

Well, either the smell of new dungeon has gone to Jed's head, or he really

is seeing things, because that's not really the kind of thing a human knows

about Orcish homelands. Also, Hulg is certainly the thing that's died the

most around here. Certainly beats that spider carcass.

Shortly after ghost-Hulg started getting demanding, Twinkletoes came by

and started growling at the corner, and Jed said the ghost was gone. When

Filthgrinder came by later to throw some slops at us (a charming gesture at

hardship), Jed asked a few questions.

Seems most reanimation spells bring the ghost back to the body, and Hulg had

been kind of pissed about that, but hadn't usually stayed alive long enough

to get a really good complaint going on. But the last necromancer, the one

that succeeded, did something else, so that we now have two Hulgs: the

pissed-off ectoplasmic one, and the very meaty corporeal one. Sucks for Jed

that he's the intermediary, but I think it's funny. Must be rough for

Hulg: one-time badass, now reduced to a begging ghost hiding in a single

cobweb, trying to convince a toasted human to get him properly killed.

Almost makes this dungeon worthy of the name.

The Slave Rebellion! First hand account from Helen the Hellion

2008-06-23T16:41:00Z

There was fire and blood and lies, all lies.
    I expect by now the Grimp has told you all some doom and gloom story about how we the slaves all uprose nor spake nor moved our eyes (extra credit to whoever gets that quote!), and how it took dread measures to suppress us. The Grimp, allow me to remind you, is just a touch prone to exaggeration. Just a little little bit. Just enough to turn a bunch of summoned ethereal wraiths and a few dozen mirages into a full-scale slave rebellion. Did he tell you about the other Orcish clan he had to call in to suppress us?
    Did you believe him?
    What exactly do you think we are? Spartacus and his legions of trained gladiators? Seriously, we're a bunch of random culls the Grimp found in California, plus a few really ass-kicking elves who unfortunately have been unable to turn us into juggernauts.
    So really what happened is that the supremely poised elf I've mentioned before one day told us to start yelling. We weren't doing anything more productive at the time than trying to invent more things to do with a drunken sailor, so we complied. I pretended I was a banshee, Jed probably believed he was a werewolf, and the other humans did their best. I've got to hand it to them –they did try. But we sounded damn silly and I we knew it, too. The other captive elf women were a lot more impressive, though. And then they started projecting. I think the cool elf was making them more powerful, because none of the others had shown much evidence of that kind of magic before.
    Within fifteen minutes it looked like our homely little dungeon with its lone spider web was packed to capacity with all kinds of fearsome monsters. I swear there was even a foul breath of air coming from somewhere. Maybe the elf was trying to recruit the dragon. Anyway, Gogog and Oog came down through the trapdoor at the top of the (requisite) perilous stairs, took one look at the masses, and ran back up to brainstorm (a laughable term) a counter-strike. They came back with more Orcs as brilliant as themselves.
    Many an immaterial foe was slain by the hordes, and when the floor was wet with faux blood the Orcs declared victory. They took the corpses outside to the bottom of the empty moat, to roast over a fire. They did kill a few of the actual humans, I'm sorry to say. And it actually was a tragedy, because they killed that one guy who'd memorized 1,243 verses to 88 sea chanties, and I just don't know how we're going to pass the time now.
    The awesome elf is still alive, though, and is no doubt planning some real revenge sometime soon. And somehow it seems that the Orcs have come up with a kick-ass music video. So don't go away: the Grimp may exaggerate about some things, but I've seen this video and it's just as awesome as he wants to pretend the "rebellion" was.

The Hellion

Who the hell is Minion 13?

2008-06-23T16:37:00Z

They named me Minion 13. I really don’t have any memory of how I got here or who I am for that matter. I remember waking up on the ground with a circle of monsters looking down at me and laughing. They were dressed in bloodstained armor from head to toe and their faces looked like something from a nightmare. As one of the monsters, a fierce looking thing with war paint crudely smeared across his face, reached down towards me, I started to slip from consciousness once again. As my vision darkened, I heard one whisper a word that drilled itself into my mind and turned my soul to a shadow.

Minion…

So here I am. They brought me back to a tower that seemed to go all the way up to infinity. Fire and smoke belched from fissures in the soot darkened stone and everywhere was the deafening sounds of creaking machinery and screams of fear and pain. I was thrown into a cell with a bunch of slaves where I finally found out what this nightmare actually was.

I was imprisoned by orcs.

After several futile attempts at escaping, I was dragged by one of the orcs to a room in the upper levels of the tower. I was roughly chained to the wall by the neck with a barbed chain that cut into my skin if I struggled so all I could do was stand still and wait for my fate. After what seemed to be days I was delirious with fatigue and hunger. Suddenly, a large, ornately carved door slammed open and slaves started running out carrying musical equipment. Amplifiers and drums were set up quickly and silently as torches were lit to light the crudely fashioned stage. The slaves finished their work and left as fast as they appeared and a drone of feedback wailed from the monstrous amplifiers they had set up.

The door opened again releasing a fog that crept along the ground swallowing the floor. A putrid smell entered the room, immediately followed by the orcs themselves. The Chieftain slammed me against the wall and growled,” Now human, you will see our power.”

After a quick four count, the orcs launched into some of the most vicious and blistering metal I had ever heard. The bass and drums shook my very core while the shredding guitars assaulted my eardrums like a lightning strike to the head. The Chieftain growled and screamed at me, inches away from my face. His words filled my brain with images of death, war, and orcish glory. Against all odds I was able to open my eyes and smile. My head started moving back and forth, causing my chains to pierce my skin, soaking my shirt and turning my face to a crimson mask.

I woke up back in my cell a month later. There had been a rebellion among the slaves but the orcs had been victorious once again. An antique typewriter was in the cell with a note scrawled across what looked like a piece of human skin…

“Welcome to the domination – Grimp”

Another place to get oRc Music

2008-02-25T23:35:00Z

I've just opened up a Snocap music store for the oRcs. You can help A Band of Orcs spread the word about the coming Domination, by embedding this store and player in your own webpage or social networking profile!

Skull Counts--News and Rumors for January 23, 2008

2008-01-23T23:06:00Z

Hey Inchoates,

Here's the latest Skull Counts, a round up of tnews and rumors from oRc ToweR for January 2008.

Confirmed! A Band of Orcs Co-Sponsor the Total Confusion Game Convention, February 21 -21, 2008

The Contest entries are in and we'll be summoning the Dead Gamers' Club to run your submissions to determine which lucky geek wins Free Passes and oRc Merchandise in February. Also, if you plan on attending, you'll have a chance to win the "WarChiefs of the Apocalypse" CD as a prize and pick up a free "We're Not Misunderstood, We're Evil" bumper sticker. You can check out the event's website for more on that.

Confirmed! Hulg ReAnimated--He's back in the band!

We've finally found a necromancer that could handle the job! Hulg has been reanimated and will be this puny human world's first and only guitar-playing-zombie-orc-from-hell. He's managed to put in 3 solid weeks rehearsing with the other orcs in preparation for the commencement this summer of the invasion and Domination of this realm, without his arm falling off, and without dropping dead (again) without warning. Check out Helen the Hellion's Story HERE.

Rumor (unconfirmed)--oRcs may appear at the Haunt Show in Vegas.

I'm considering letting A Band of Orcs attend the Haunt Show in Vegas with Exalted Minion and Trusted Allie Rusty Slusser of SPFXMasks. I'm still not so sure I've managed to tame the oRcs enough to appear in public without human blood being shed, but I'm working on it. You can read about our efforts HERE. Stay tuned for more info on whether the oRcs will make their first public appearance in March.

Confirmed! Chuck Lukacs illustrates some Cards for MTG: Lorwyn

Illustrator and Chaos Chronicler Chuck Lukacs, whom I enslaved to help depict the oRcs' likenesses to their human public recently participated in illustrating some of the cards in the latest incarnation of Wizards of the Coast's massively popular collectible card game, Magic the Gathering: Lorwyn

You see, Inchoates, the Grimp hires only the best for the Domination!

Confirmed! A Band of Orcs Loot Store has new and easier to use Shopping Cart.

Yeah, just check out the new online store and tell us what you think.

The Problem with oRcs and Photography

2008-01-23T22:47:00Z

The Problem with oRcs and Photography

by Helen the Hellion

We haven't yet found a way to calm the Orcs down about photography. We've drawn diagrams, and explained things logically, magically, and irrationally, and still the Orcs are convinced that flash photography means a wizard is blasting them with lightning bolts. We're down four photographers already, smashed at the point of image-capture into what looks like cyborg experiments gone horribly wrong. This last one had bits of camera sticking out of him like the most elaborate shrapnel-art. The first and second ones looked like Jackson Pollack paintings, and I've never much cared for Pollack.

So yeah, all-around disastrous.

The Grimp's initial solution was the painting you've all seen, and Lukacs the Mighty is still pretty heroic in my eyes. But the Grimp feels no Human is going to believe in Orcs until they have photographic evidence.

Personally, think he's been reading far too much about Roswell. Gogog stumbled across Grays first, and insisted he recognized one of them. But Gogog has a short attention span, so he forgot about aliens the minute something shiny rolled by. The Grimp, however, has a more tenacious mind. He actually even asked me if humans are inclined to believe autopsies; I believe his plan was to dissect Hulg while he was dead and in no position to argue. I told him autopsies are always great, but a bit faddish. It's important to distract him from guts whenever possible.

Far too impatient for Pavlovian methods, he then hit on the plan of getting as many white-magic elves as possible to "convince" the Orcs that flashing lights are harmless.

I'm pretty sure any elf worth its salt would spend his/her time devising spells to make the orcs believe they're cowardly kittens, rather than just convincing them to sit still while flashing lights happen. I mean seriously, if someone abducted you to stop strobe-light epilepsy, could you resist the urge to plant some other hypnotic suggestions?

So the upshot of all this: there is now one pissed-off Elf in Cage # 3, just plotting some kind of devious and far-ranging revenge. I think the best we can hope for is that she contracts some Stockholm syndrome –or is it Wachen syndrome?—before she really gets to work on the orcs.

Actually, I can't wait for this to happen, because Orcs really will blow your mind once you see 'em. You won't even need to see their guts to know that something seriously awesome is in the interdimension.

Hulg Re:Animated

2008-01-23T22:40:00Z

Hulg Re:Animated

by Helen the Hellion
A Metal Transmission from oRc ToweR

"It's alive!

"It's A-Liiiive!"

I've been yelling this a lot lately. Twelve times in the last two days, in fact. See, the Grimp finally decided that having Hulg die every few minutes was cramping the Band's overall style. Death is great for interludes and dramatic pauses, but as a random occurrence it's more of an irritation than an inspiration.

So Grimp found a whole range of necromancers, and set me and Jed up in cages to watch the proceedings.

It appears we're here representing the forces of evil: Grimp threatened to feed the failing necromancers to us.
"If you fail," he's been growling over and over, "I will feed you to… The Humans!"

And they all cringe beneath their diadems of teeth and crackling magic spells, staring at us with horror and dread. One even wept with fear when he failed and Gogog dragged him towards us. Jed smiled and offered the necromancer the bong, and that necromancer crumpled into a whimpering pile under his Black Cloak of Undeath.
Such is the power of the faux-kindness of True Evil.

I love it. I've been gnashing my teeth and clawing at the air, feeling like a friggin' fool and yet, I find myself really wanting to eat these guys when Hulg keels over yet again. I do stupid dances and they get distracted and they fail. I think one may have wet himself when I did the Macarena.

Yelling "It's ALIVE!" is my new mantra; unlike Doctor Frankenstein, I'm having the time to practice, and it's always apropos. I'm afraid the yelling is confusing Hulg, though, because from his point of view, every few minutes he hears this stupid shout, then he looks into a necromancer's hopeful eyes, and then he strums a few bars and dies again. Twelve times in the past… well, it must seem like three hours to him.

We don't actually eat any necromancers, I'm sorry to say. As they're dragged towards our cages, and I'm doing the cabbage patch like mad, they fall through a really obvious trap door. The dragon Gzoroth is underneath, but as you recall, he's sleeping. So really, the whole thing is like some bizarre Disney Land ride: they scare you half to death, you fall through a door, there's a sleeping dragon that may as well be animatronic, and then Oog with a Chihuahua on a leash leads you back to the wyrmhole.

This last Necromancer has done a pretty good job, though. Hulg has asked for pizza, been denied, scratched his head, and even learned a new song since this one reanimated him.

Hey, if this sticks, and there's a chance it even made Hulg smarter, this Band is going to be set to play live in no time!

Skull Counts--News and Rumors for December 2007--Contest Announcement!

2007-12-23T21:21:00Z

Artist Lukacs the Illustrious featured in new Magic the Gathering cards from Wizards of the Coast

The Chronicler of the oRcs' chaos, and the only human that has managed to capture something of the likenesses of A Band of Orcs is one of the artist featured in the latest incarnation of Magic the Gathering Card Game, the Lorwyn set. Check out Chuck's pageand the new MtG cards from Wizards of the Coast.

It's thanks to Lukacs that many more photographers have not died when trying to shoot photos of the oRcs. Heheheh, they think the cameramen are attacking them with lightning bolts. Silly oRcs!

Did I mention that Metal God Bruce Dickinson Rocked the oRcs on his BBC radio Show?

I probably did, but it's big news to the oRcs since the equate the fact that Iron Maiden's Invaders was playing during their seminal raid on guitar mart as divine providence. On the November 23rd Show, Bruce played "Bring out Your Dead" and read each of the band members names and instruments. He mispronounced my name, Gimp, certainly so he could make a Pulp Fiction joke, and indicated that because of me A Band of Orcs can't be trusted. But, hells, you don't need me for that; they're friggin' oRcs.

Anyway, the oRcs are now considering doing an Iron Maiden cover. Have any suggestions which song they should do? Emailthem to me.

Win Free Passes to Total Confusion Game Convention February 21 - 24
by writing a random encounter with A Band of Orcs

In February of ’08 yours unruly, Gruesom Grimp, and the death metal sensations A Band of Orcs are co-sponsoring the Total Confusion gaming convention in Mansfield, Massachusetts.

FEBRUARY 21-24, 2008
HOLIDAY INN
31 Hampshire St.
Mansfield, MA 02048
508-339-2200

The Contest

Here’s the way in which you must appease your Grimperor in order to win free passes to Total Confusion.

You Encounter…

…A Band of Orcs.

That’s right. Write a short d20 encounter featuring A Band of Orcs. Your encounter must feature a war band of orcs of your creation. But you must feature such a group of orcs worthy of our attention and praise.

I leave most of the details to you. The encounter and challenge levels can be whatever strikes your fancy. Your encounter must contain
(1) stats and a brief description of the orcs--in a way that glorifies the orcs’ savageness, ferocity and strength, if you know what’s good for you;

(2) a pet of some kind (e.g., wolves that the orcs ride or giant centipedes or whatever); and

(3) an overlord who acts as the brains of the operation (much like yours unruly, or a wizard, or something!).

Do NOT use A Band of Orcs the death metal band in your submission, as the characters and images associated with those ugly mugs must remain the copyright and trademark of Grimpire Entertainment and A Band of Orcs.

Your encounter should be 3 – 6 pages.

I don’t want an entire adventure scenario. The encounter should be able to run in one session, and it should be detailed enough that a GM can run it without much tweaking, but not so detailed that he/she can’t adapt it to the adventure at hand.

Find out more details on the official Challenge page!

An oRc Christmas Tale from Helen the Hellion

2007-12-23T21:17:00Z

Communication is hard. Sometimes you're sure you've explained a thing, and your listeners are nodding along and you think: "Yes! The problem of making minds meet has once again been defeated!"

    Then you find out that your extremely lucid explanation of "stocking stuffer" has been translated by the Orcish mind into "stalking stuffer." And that the enthusiastic Band, determined to wrest holiday joys from the arms of whoever's holding it, is on its marauding way to the mall.

    The Orcs like living gifts, and what could be a better stuffer to stalk than a miniature pinscher, or a Chihuahua, or a teacup poodle? Nothing! Nothing could be better!

    It took us three hours to find those friggin' Orcs. Grimp, Jed and I shoved our way through all the branching arms of the mall, certain we'd find the orcs molesting Santa, or eating dog food in the pet store, or spraying each other with fart odor at the novelty shop. But we couldn't find them, until we went outside to escape the forest of human elbows. There we saw them, stalking.

    The Orcs prowled the insanely crowded parking lot, hiding behind faux-wood paneling on station wagons, blending in with poles, and deftly stealing coddled pets from the arms of ladies in heels and pink jackets. The orcs would grab the dogs, stuff them into an enormous, red santa stocking Gogog stole off a light pole, and then run away, leaping cars and toddlers.

    When we found them, they had 12 squirming toy creatures in that one stocking. It was indeed stuffed. The Grimp had to smack Gogog on the knuckles with a lightning ruler to make him drop the stocking. When he did, that stocking regurgitated its yipping beasts, who went bounding away on their spindly legs.

   Brakes squealed, kids began yelling, "Mom, look what I found!" to enraged females on aching feet, and sobbing ladies in pink jackets crouched to the ground, calling for Princess, Champagne and Truffle, in desperate, nasal voices.

   Under cover of mayhem we bundled the Orcs back into the Van. Five minutes before we got back to the Tower, there was a "Yipe!" from Oog's armpit. He'd stolen a stuffer. Grimp let him keep it. So Oog is having a very happy holiday.

Jed's Psychedelic Journal--Cattle Raid!!!

2007-12-23T21:15:00Z

A half-rotting orc zombie may not have been the best choice of partners for
an inter-dimensional acid trip, but what could I do? I had just taken the
first hit from that sheet the orcs never found in my jacket pocket, when the
Grimp announced that I'd need to accompany Hulg on a cattle run to get meat
for the band and leather for their armor.

Hulg Elfripper is one UGLY motherfucker, even for an orc. He was an
unsightly bastard before he swung his battle axe into Filthgrinder's Mesa
Boogie and electrocuted himself to bits. I don't even want to know what's
holding the chunks of his head together now, but the Grimp has necromancers
dropping by the tower every day to reanimate the corpse.

When inter-dimensional portals open and close, they make a crack that can be
heard by anybody within a half mile that isn't blasting metal. Metal could
have saved an unfortunate pair of deputies from the UC Santa Cruz campus
police department last night.

By the time the piggies arrived and parked their cars on the street, Hulg
had already tossed 2 live, enormous, mooing cows through the portal. The
dark cow had Frank Zappa's head on it and the spotted one had paisley
parameciums swimming all over its white spots. I wonder if cows are
blacklight reactive? Anyway, Hulg was trying to wrangle a third cow as the
cops ran up. They looked at Hulg and glanced back at one another, their
eyes glowing red.

I began to explain to them that there was nothing to worry about, that fear
is the psychic poison that will doom humanity, that we are all one
collective consciousness fragmented by the illusion of separate egos, that
reality can be molded into form like silly putty once we realize we're
sharing the same drea-

My lysergic sermon was cut short when one of officers grabbed a banana from
his side and tased Hulg. The enormous orc wobbled and his eyes glazed over
– I could see electricity flowing between the cracks in his head. Hulg
grabbed the banana from the deputy, lifted him up by his collar, shoved the
banana down his throat, and tased him 5 times. The other officer drew an
enormous pickle, but couldn't shoot for fear of hitting his unconscious
partner. Hulg tossed the limp policeman up into the air, caught him by his
feet, spun around, and launched him across the pasture at the other officer.
The cop fired as Hulg was spinning and the bullet hit the orc's shoulder. He
sent the deputy flying and fell to the field with an angry growl. The
airborne officer collided with his partner, knocking him back through the
portal.

I was left with an unconscious pig and an exceedingly pissed off wounded
undead orc. As Hulg grunted I suddenly understood the Zen proverb that
truth can be expressed without speaking and without keeping silent. I knew
I was teetering on the edge of enlightenment and anything could push me
over. I picked up a large flat petrified cow patty and flung it through the
portal like a Frisbee. Nope. That didn't do it. Hulg gestured at the
deputy and I clumsily heaved him through the portal, then we followed.

Now that the reanimation spell has worn off, the medics should have an easy
enough time extracting the bullet. I hope I don't have to see what Hulg
does to those cops when the necromancers bring him back. I pray to the gods
of metal that the orcs don't develop a taste for long pig. Are you
listening? Randy? Cliff? Chuck? Dimebag?

Metal God Bruce Dickinson of Iron Maiden rocks A Band of Orcs on his Show Nov 23

2007-11-28T01:42:00Z

Just in case you haven't heard or you missed it. Bruce Dickinson the metal god singer of Iron Maiden has his own radio who on the BBC. Well, on his November 23 edition he rocked A Band of Orcs' tune Bring out Your Dead. You can catch the show HERE. If you wanna skip ahead the oRcs come on at approx. 18:10:00

The only thing about the broadcast is that Bruce called me "Gruesom Gimp." I'm a Grimp, dammit, a grumpy, grimpy Grimp. He also said I couldn't be trusted; what do you all think about that :p

Anyway, be sure to give the show a listen and send Bruce an email or letter thanking him for helping to Bring About the Domination, that much more quickly!

Helen Hellion reviews GWAR w/ 3 Inches of Blood at the Catalyst Nov. 21, 2007

2007-11-22T18:23:00Z

[Grimp's editorial note: Yes, folks our very own enslaved music journalist Helen the Hellion is beginning to suffer from the Bergen Syndrome (for those who don't know, this refers to the psychological disorder wherein one starts to like Heavy Metal Music against one's will, even when they were conditioned at an early age either socially or religiously to hate it, hehehehe). She has just presented this review of the GWAR and 3 Inches of Blood for yours unruly's approval. I leave it to you, my loyal minions and allies, to judge where her sanity is heading. I suppose I should also say that the opinons of Hellion are not necessarily the opinion of yours unruly, the Grimp, or the oRcs, but they are amusing and worth printing. You should also know that when A Band of Orcs heard that that band that sings "Destroy the oRcs" was coming to town, I had to summon some infernal demons to help me restrain them and chain them in the oRc ToweR Dungeon so that they didn't rage into the Catalyst and wreak havoc on the hapless humans who so clumsily named their song with that infuriating title. Such carnage is bad for business here in this dimension as you can imagine. So, the Hellion and myself went to the show oRc-free (though, I thought I spotted Filthgrinder in the pit during GWAR--not really sure how he got free, and sure enough he wasn't in the dungeon when I got in the next morning.

Anyway, here's what Hellion writes about the show....]

Where does this blood keep coming from? It's on my shoulders, coming from my ears, and on my shoes, coming from who knows where. Why was Hitler on stage? Why was a cardinal on stage before? I could have sworn I saw Dubbya decapitated, and that THING on stage was smacking its giant cock into the spurting stump.

Listen, people. I went to a Catholic school in New Jersey for four years. I was not raised for this kind of stuff! My childhood was a peaceful thing.

Okay, I admit I killed a butterfly once because I wanted its wings for an art project, but that does not prepare a girl
for the things that happened onstage last night.

GWAR rocked the house.

Well, first Three Inches of Blood rocked the house, and they rocked hard. We walked in right when they began singing about slaying orcs.

I'd pay serious blood to watch THAT battle!

Three Inches of Blood really had style, though --their sound was crisp and coordinated and full, without drowning out the singer. I don't know how that voice came out of that man, but it did indeed rock. That was the beginning
of the blood.

And it was ONLY the beginning.

You know how sometimes you're looking at a utterly ordinary object, like a car fender, but from a very strange angle, or too zoomed in, and you just keep staring and staring, unable to make sense of what your eyes are seeing? Yeah. That was me last night. Hell-fiends, giant codpieces that seriously put Filthgrinder to shame, blue blood, red cum, creatures decapitated on stage, and some kind of rolling beat underneath it all. I've never nightmare-dreamed anything like it. I wonder what Dante would have thought. I wonder what medieval producers
of morality plays would have thought. I mean, this could be the single best way to convert people, either way.

My favorite part was when one guy's cock stopped working, and much as he pumped no more juice came out. I've seen that happen before in less crowded situations, and from my point of view it's always hilarious. He did eventually get his business working again, and the crowd seemed relieved. Guess that's happened to all of them, too.

Ha!

The music, well, it was the least interesting part of the whole event. I can't remember a single song, riff, or lyric. Some of the moshing minions knew the songs pretty well, and they waved their arms and stomped enthusiastically, but most of the audience seemed to be there for the show more than the music.
This brainwashing thing seems to be working: I'm sure Orcs could smash GWAR.

Three Inches of Blood vs. A Band of Orcs, though –now THAT would be a contest worth watching.

Tell Three Inches: we're ready when they want to call us out! I mean, the Orcs are ready. I myself have got to take another shower and curl up in a dark corner for a few days after the visual and tactile assault that was GWAR.

Skull Counts--News and Rumors for November 2007

2007-11-22T01:12:00Z

WarChiefs of the Apocalypse - Debut EP released on Halloween!

In case you've been under seige in a fortress somewhere and haven't heard the news: On Halloween A Band of Orcs' debut EP came out. This piece of condensed sonic brutality can be seized in CD format at cdbaby.com, Amazon.com, Streetlight Records in Downtown Santa Cruz, or at any independent record store that does business with Super D One-Stop Distributors. If you enter your record store and they don't have the oRcs, then you MUST demand that they order the CD from Super-D; that will help our forces penetrate the music scene in this world.

If you are more a child of the digital age, then you can summon a copy of the album from the depths of cyber-space via Amazon.com MP3, i-tunes, and Rhapsody.com. For the time being, the digital downloads are only available in the United States, but in 8 - 12 weeks A Band of Orcs will be found on i-tunes world-wide!

A Band of Orcs on i-tunes

A Band of Orcs on Amazon MP3

Word of the oRcs has started to spread throughout this Dimension and beyond into the multiverse. You can help spread the word faster and farther by writing reviews of "WarChief of the Apocalypse" and posting them on CDbaby.com, Amazon.com, and i-tunes, or where-ever human kind will let you leave your praise.

The oRcs Learning Civility

In other news, I've sent the oRcs to finishing school for the hopelessly barbaric, uncivilized, and downright dangerous, so that one day they will be able to greet their human fans without decapitating them or bashing their skulls in. It's part of the reason I allow elves in oRc ToweR! I'm trying to bring the oRcs hostility level down a few notches so that they can take their music live. Toward that end, the behavior-modification wizards we have working for us tell me that the oRcs will be ready to walk among the fallen filth of humanity by spring of '08. Good luck to all of us, hehehehee!!!!!

"WarChiefs" T-shirt Now Available

You loved the cover art for the EP, and now Lukacs the Illustrious stunning art appears on this brand-new, menacing t-shirt. We've also redesigned the old shirts so that the images print larger, because BIGGER is always BETTER, right? Now, "Ugly is Sexy" is IN YOUR FACE, and the "oRc Skull" is life size, and the image of yours unruly Gruesom Grimp is...well...also a bit life-size now that I look at it more closely, hehehehehe. You can purchase the oRcs' new and newly designed shwag HERE.

Also, in case you didn't know there are some A Band of Orcs' wallpapers available for Download on the website HERE.

Well, I'm off to teleport the oRcs to the homeworld to celebrate oRcs-Taking Day. I hope you all enjoy your own human holiday, and we'll see you soon.

Until the Domination, oRc on!!!!!

the Grimp

Check out the crazy elf chick that thinks she can infiltrate oRc ToweR!

2007-11-22T00:59:00Z

Hehehehe, it always amuses me when berks think they're pulling one over on the Grimp. This crazy elf chick thinks that she is infilitrating oRc ToweR for the Elders. She didn't know about my mystical wire tapping magic. And everything is proceeding according to my devious Grimpish plan. I intercepted the following missive from her, so, my minions and allies, have a good laugh at the miserable wretch's expense.

> "Doood. Go to Santa Cruz. There you shall find that which you seek."
>
> This was the advice I received from the elders after I sat for many hours, watching them smoke from their large glass hookah

> in the Ivory Tower of Endless Rumination. I'm always looking for an
> adventure and Santa Cruz has a reputation in the Multiverse as a great
> place to party. It was nearly Halloween and I thought it would be fun

> to check out their massive street festival. Whatever else it was that I was
> seeking, I had the elders' assurance it would be obvious when I
> found it.
>
> I arrived through The Vortex as I have countless times before, but

> when I got here, I found an enormous tower had been constructed in the
> Inbetween. The Inbetween is what I call the place that I pass through

> on my interdimensional journeys. My first thought was to try to sneak
> by unnoticed so I could hurry to the infamous Santa Cruz street party.
> However, I was stopped dead in my tracks by the most brutal metal ever
> to fall upon my elvish ears. This tower was not only an ominous
> structure, but a monolith of metal! I found my hands

> involuntarily forming the horns as I was drawn towards the tower like
> a moth to flame. I had to know who or what could create such a
> delicious noise. Surely, they could not be human. Maybe elves - we're

> more metal than you know. >
> SOME "OVERLORD" in corpse paint FOUND ME PRESSED, MESMERIZED, AGAINST THE DOOR BETWEEN ME AND THE MUSIC. THIS OVERLORD SAID HE WAS IN CHARGE OF distributing loot to the humans on behalf of the

> orcs. Orcs! I didn't know they were capable of actually creating
> anything besides destruction and that disgusting blutrache! What kind
> of magic could possibly keep them in line? Was this what I was meant
> to find out?
>

> So, WHAT COULD I DO BUT OFFER to help distribute loot. I WAS COMPELLED. The Overlord chained ME to the rest of the group to keep me from
> disappearing with the goods. HE REFUSED TO BELIEVE MY INSISTENCE THAT I WOULDN'T; SEEMS HE COULDN'T FULLY SEPARATE ME FROM ORCISH LIARS. THE MOMENT THE CHAIN TOUCHED MY NECK, I DECIDED I WOULD infiltrate this group and
> find out more about the orcs. SURELY FUN ON HALLOWEEN IS NOT INCOMPATIBLE WITH SPY WORK. I only hope that whatever power is keeping them in line will
> not discover my plans and do the same to me. EVERY DIMENSION HAS A NAME FOR *THAT* SYNDROME.

>
> Together, we set off for the street party with bags of loot on our

> shoulders, DETERMINED to warn the humans of the impending
> Domination. SALVATION CAN ONLY COME FROM ACQUISITION OF A Band of Orcs merchandise. I hoped that they would listeN; anyone who has seen a village after an orc invasion, knows that it is a scene of utter ruination. AND NOT JUST BODIES, BUT brains

> spilled all over the ground so their containers can be used as cups
> for the blutrache. Total carnage! Very metal.
>

> WHEN I RETURN, I MUST TELL MY ELDERS HOW Many humans

> were spared thanks to our efforts!

I Sent Slaves to Proselytize the Wicked on Halloween--A Photo Documentary of our Minions efforts!

2007-11-21T22:41:00Z

Because the oRcs are still too savage and untamed to walk among the fallen filth of humanity without tearing their potential fans' arms off and bludgening them with the bloody appendages, I was forced to allow the denizens of the oRc ToweR Dungeon out to do street team duties and alert your puny race to the arrival of the debut EP "WarChiefs of the Apoclypse." Mercifully I let them offer you frail humans a chance to be spared from the impending Domination. The minions handed out Loot in the form of stickers and postcards; persueded the unworthy to join the mailing list to save themselves from the Domination; and for those who had the most METAL costumes, free CDs and A Band of Orcs t-shirts were given to show the favor these wretched souls will enjoy when the Domination comes.

Here is a photo documentary of our Slaves' work on All-Hallowe's Eve.

Servants and Slaves set off through the strange will-o'-the-wisp-like mist of Downtown Santa Cruz. That's Jed bearing the standard.

Enchained to keep them from making off with the Loot!

Foolish Elf thinkin' she can infiltrate oRc ToweR--Slaves Shall Serve!!!!

Indeed, it was necessary for the overseer to periodically beat the slaves and keep them in line!

Spared! K. K. Downing, the guitarist for Judas Priest.

Spared! Vikings for oRcs

Spared! An industrial Devil

With this Sword! (Sword of Gzoroth)

Spared! Vince Neil.

Ughghghgh...Kill that thing! Horrid being of light!

The Strange Lights of Santa Cruz--an eery place fit for the Domination.

The Overseer, Slayer of Giant Butterflies!

Another scheduled Slave Beating.

Spared! Bucket Head.

Repent your Emo Ways!!!!!

Rejoice! For Ye have been Spared come the Domination.

He's not even in costume; he always dresses like that.

Preaching to the choir; an easy convert to the Domination.

At home among the filth of fallen humanity

The reason Vader is so mean and nasty--he's had a secret all this time....

Spared! The easter bunny; Pagan scum!

"Once you start down the dark path, forever will it Dominate your destiny...."

The Grimp Reviews Ozzy & Rob Zombie at the Oakland, ahem...Oracle Arena 11/18/07 and Recaps the Year in Concerts

2007-11-20T21:06:00Z

Hey Inchoates,

The Grimp has seen quite a few shows over the last few months, including Heaven and Hell at the Sleep Train Pavilion in Concord on September 30. I had also caught Ronnie James Dio and company earlier
this year with Machine Head and Megadeth, while the oRcs were in the studio cutting the "WarChiefs" EP, and I don't think I had a spare moment to review that show as studio chaos and disorder and the
warding off of vengeful gremlins and spirits occupied most of my infernal mind at the time. But the impressions that I remember from that show waaaaayyyyy back in May are this:

Machine Head rocked BUT....because their songs are long and their time was short, I didn't quite get my fill and was left very unsatisfied and wanting more, which luckily I got at the Catalyst on September 5th(see Review HERE). Megadeth played tight and sounded really good, but didn't energize my hellish soul. However, the Dio-fronted Sabbath blew my mind and I loved both the stage set and the killer montage and light show that went along with it. Tony Iommi, being the god-father of metal guitar has one of the most killer guitar tones I've yet to
hear in this mortal dimension, and I still need to remember to look up for Gronk! what effect Geezer was using on Sign of the Souther Cross, as it sounded wicked sensational! Jed told me, but I usually don't listen to Jed since he's a prisoner in the oRc ToweR Dungeon and all. Maybe, I should pay a little better attention to him....

I also went to see some Irish drinking bands this summer, and finally settled the question of the battle between THE two bands of that genre: Floggin Molly vs. the Pogues! You can catch Hellion's Review of Flogging Molly HERE. As for the Pogues. Well, I suggest going to see them...I mean...Shane McGowen if you want to witness for yourself
how the persistant, consistant embalming of one's brain and body with alcohol and other nefarious fare can Zombify a berk more thoroughly than Hulg swinging an axe into Filth's amp and electrocuting himself.

It's quite instructional!

The second Heaven and Hell show (Sept 30) featured Queensryche, who can always
be counted on to play perfectly and sound as good as their studio recordings (and others' recordings as evidenced by their cover of Pink Floyd's "The Machine") and Alice Cooper. Good ol' Alice really stole the show for me. The original theatrical shock-rocker really showed the world how you put on a stage show and sucked us all into his nightmare with great visuals seemlessly integrated into an expertly played set. The highlight of the night for
me is when the drummer did a kick ass solo and finished up a tribal beat-down drum session assisted by two berks that came from back-stage with what appeared to be some Taiko drum clubs (similar to what Oog uses in battle) in their hands to help bring it on home. And as for the rest of the band, they seemed hand-picked from GIT & MIT judging from their technique, and had BOTH excellent Chops and charismatic stage presence. And was that Alice Cooper's daughter doing ballet up there? I thought that's what I heard him say, but couldn't be sure. Finally, Heaven and Hell put on a good performance once more, but I think Ronnie James sounded
a little tired from all the touring and could have used a break.

Now, on to Ozzy and Rob Zombie at the Oracle Arena in Oakland on November 18. First off, an exalted minion of ours managed to score us some sweet seets in a loge just left of the stage, which couldn't have been more than 30
feet from us. And for a short Gremlin-Imp that gets tired of pumping his wings to hover, these seats were perfect! Even I could see the stage and the sweat on Zack Wylde's brow, while standing in my chair. The L.A. Band, newly-signed, In This Moment got the night started with a short set of about 25 minutes. They sounded good, just like at Ozzfest for which I believe I nominated them a Grimpy, but nothing to get me jumping up and down about. I expect that as they get more experience that might change. My favorite thing that they've ever done is a cover of Slayer's "Postmortem" that they used to have on their myspace page. I don't know if they recorded it for the new album or not as I have not felt compelled to check it out, but I keep hoping every time I see them that they'll play it, because it was pretty killer! Alas, they did not, and I got lost in infernal musings.

Next up was Mr. Rob Zombie. Wow! What an entertainer, he opened with a blistering rendition of "American Witch" off the new album and went on to throw scorcher after scorcher at the crowd. The stage props were cool,
especially the dancing girls and the B- movie Hororor- and Science Fiction- montages. The drummer sat up on a very high demon-head riser and there was plenty of fire, fire, fire which we could feel from our seats every time the torches went off. So, you see, I meant scorcher quite literally and it made me think of home! I don't know what happened between Marylin Manson and John-5, but did Rob Zombie sure score himself an excellent player and performer.

The highlight of Rob Zombie's performance for me came when he decided that he needed to see for himself if the audience came to have a good time and stepped off the stage during "More Human than Human" to join
the plebes in the audience. The crowd was mellow and did not do anything to harm mister Zombie and I thought that might be due to the fact that Zombies tend to be a little fragile (like our Hulg whose arm keeps falling off when he tries to play guitar). I thought, maybe, they just don't want him falling apart. But I got to test that theory
myself when mr. Zombie actually jumped up into our loge and we stood face-to-face, less than 3 feet apart. I reached out a claw to touch him...and to my shock and surprise--he's human! Thoroughly human and ALIVE at that. There's nothing Zombie about him, but then, ah well...what did I expect?--that a REAL Zombie could actually be as intelligent as the actor-musician-director Rob Zombie? Anyway, I didn't let the fact that he's not a real zombie detract from my fun; his band's was the best performance of the night.

And then came the Ozz. All hail Ozzy, but he was starting to get a little cold and even cancelled the San Diego show after the Oakland date. Ah, frail humanity, maybe Ozzy should consider actually just making the transition and becoming a Lich so that he can ROCK forever. He could use one of Zack's guitars as a phylactery and you KNOW that the warrior Zack would keep it safe from harm. I can hook the Ozzman up with a couple ancient sorcerers that would be happy to help him make the transition.....

Overall, the Ozz, Zack Wylde, Blasko and crew turned in a good performance, but it wasn't the best I've ever seen the god-father of metal in your puny human realm deliver. I keep hoping that he'll just do it. Just do
it, Ozzy! Become a lich so the multiverse can continue to Rock out to your live shows! Or, if you did DO IT, I guess we would have to refer to your shows as Unlive!

That's all for now, inchoates. I actually saw GWAR and 3 Inches of Blood last night, but must away and teleport the oRcs to the homeworld to celebrate oRcs-Taking Day. Stay tuned next month for my review of the band that sang, "Destroy the oRcs."

Until the Domination, oRc on!!!! Yours unruly, the Grimp

Testing out a player from seeqpod--here's what the Grimp's spinnin' tonight

2007-11-17T06:54:00Z

SeeqPod Music beta - Playable Search