There was fire and blood and lies, all lies.
    I expect by now the Grimp has told you all some doom and gloom story about how we the slaves all uprose nor spake nor moved our eyes (extra credit to whoever gets that quote!), and how it took dread measures to suppress us.  The Grimp, allow me to remind you, is just a touch prone to exaggeration.  Just a little little bit.  Just enough to turn a bunch of summoned ethereal wraiths and a few dozen mirages into a full-scale slave rebellion.  Did he tell you about the other Orcish clan he had to call in to suppress us?
    Did you believe him?
    What exactly do you think we are?  Spartacus and his legions of trained gladiators?  Seriously, we're a bunch of random culls the Grimp found in California, plus a few really ass-kicking elves who unfortunately have been unable to turn us into juggernauts.
    So really what happened is that the supremely poised elf I've mentioned before one day told us to start yelling.  We weren't doing anything more productive at the time than trying to invent more things to do with a drunken sailor, so we complied.  I pretended I was a banshee, Jed probably believed he was a werewolf, and the other humans did their best.  I've got to hand it to them –they did try.  But we sounded damn silly and I we knew it, too.  The other captive elf women were a lot more impressive, though.  And then they started projecting.  I think the cool elf was making them more powerful, because none of the others had shown much evidence of that kind of magic before.
    Within fifteen minutes it looked like our homely little dungeon with its lone spider web was packed to capacity with all kinds of fearsome monsters.  I swear there was even a foul breath of air coming from somewhere.  Maybe the elf was trying to recruit the dragon.  Anyway, Gogog and Oog came down through the trapdoor at the top of the (requisite) perilous stairs, took one look at the masses, and ran back up to brainstorm (a laughable term) a counter-strike.  They came back with more Orcs as brilliant as themselves.
    Many an immaterial foe was slain by the hordes, and when the floor was wet with faux blood the Orcs declared victory.  They took the corpses outside to the bottom of the empty moat, to roast over a fire. They did kill a few of the actual humans, I'm sorry to say.  And it actually was a tragedy, because they killed that one guy who'd memorized 1,243 verses to 88 sea chanties, and I just don't know how we're going to pass the time now.
    The awesome elf is still alive, though, and is no doubt planning some real revenge sometime soon.  And somehow it seems that the Orcs have come up with a kick-ass music video.  So don't go away:  the Grimp may exaggerate about some things, but I've seen this video and it's just as awesome as he wants to pretend the "rebellion" was.

The Hellion

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