A half-rotting orc zombie may not have been the best choice of partners for
an inter-dimensional acid trip, but what could I do?  I had just taken the
first hit from that sheet the orcs never found in my jacket pocket, when the
Grimp announced that I'd need to accompany Hulg on a cattle run to get meat
for the band and leather for their armor.

Hulg Elfripper is one UGLY motherfucker, even for an orc.  He was an
unsightly bastard before he swung his battle axe into Filthgrinder's Mesa
Boogie and electrocuted himself to bits.  I don't even want to know what's
holding the chunks of his head together now, but the Grimp has necromancers
dropping by the tower every day to reanimate the corpse.

When inter-dimensional portals open and close, they make a crack that can be
heard by anybody within a half mile that isn't blasting metal.  Metal could
have saved an unfortunate pair of deputies from the UC Santa Cruz campus
police department last night.

By the time the piggies arrived and parked their cars on the street, Hulg
had already tossed 2 live, enormous, mooing cows through the portal.  The
dark cow had Frank Zappa's head on it and the spotted one had paisley
parameciums swimming all over its white spots.  I wonder if cows are
blacklight reactive?  Anyway, Hulg was trying to wrangle a third cow as the
cops ran up.  They looked at Hulg and glanced back at one another, their
eyes glowing red.

I began to explain to them that there was nothing to worry about, that fear
is the psychic poison that will doom humanity, that we are all one
collective consciousness fragmented by the illusion of separate egos, that
reality can be molded into form like silly putty once we realize we're
sharing the same drea-

My lysergic sermon was cut short when one of officers grabbed a banana from
his side and tased Hulg.  The enormous orc wobbled and his eyes glazed over
– I could see electricity flowing between the cracks in his head.  Hulg
grabbed the banana from the deputy, lifted him up by his collar, shoved the
banana down his throat, and tased him 5 times.  The other officer drew an
enormous pickle, but couldn't shoot for fear of hitting his unconscious
partner.  Hulg tossed the limp policeman up into the air, caught him by his
feet, spun around, and launched him across the pasture at the other officer.
The cop fired as Hulg was spinning and the bullet hit the orc's shoulder.  He
sent the deputy flying and fell to the field with an angry growl.  The
airborne officer collided with his partner, knocking him back through the
portal.

I was left with an unconscious pig and an exceedingly pissed off wounded
undead orc.  As Hulg grunted I suddenly understood the Zen proverb that
truth can be expressed without speaking and without keeping silent.  I knew
I was teetering on the edge of enlightenment and anything could push me
over.  I picked up a large flat petrified cow patty and flung it through the
portal like a Frisbee.  Nope.  That didn't do it.  Hulg gestured at the
deputy and I clumsily heaved him through the portal, then we followed.

Now that the reanimation spell has worn off, the medics should have an easy
enough time extracting the bullet.  I hope I don't have to see what Hulg
does to those cops when the necromancers bring him back.  I pray to the gods
of metal that the orcs don't develop a taste for long pig.  Are you
listening?  Randy?  Cliff?  Chuck?  Dimebag?