A Band of Orcs Interview w/ GM Gruesom Grimp
 
[Grimp's note: obviously this interview was done a while back (February 26, 2007), but I thought I'd reprint it to help you get ready for the Invasion and the Domination, which will begin with the official release of the debut EP "WarChiefs of the Apocalypse" sometime in October!  So read on, and enjoy!]

DJ Chrissy: This is DJ Chrissy at JAPP, fortunate enough to be speaking with GM for "A Band of Orcs", Gruesom Grimp, with hopefully no threat of annihilation...pending how well this interview goes....
 

DJC: Let me personally thank you for agreeing to answer some questions.

Grimp: Hiya Sweety, you're welcome! I'm always up for yacking about the orcs.
 

DJC: For those of us who don't know, tell us what exactly an orc is.

Grimp: First of all, let me tell you what an oRc ain't. Me. I'm not an oRc, just for the record…and by the way I hope by GM, you mean General Manager, hehehe. 

You see I'm an entrepreneurial, multi-dimensional traveling, denizen of Infernal Regions. When I tried looking myself up in various Role-playing monster catalogues after arriving here, I narrowed my genus down to either 'gremlin' or 'imp'… "Grimp" for short.
 

Why are you looking at me like that? Oh, yes, an orc! Well going back to those same game manuals (which seem to have a better grasp on the true structure of the multiverse than most of your currently popular human institutions, scientific or religious) you'll get some variations on what exactly an oRc is.
 

But most of them agree that orcs are nasty, brutish, ugly, surly, green humanoids with bad tempers and worse breath, Neanderthal brow ridges, tusks for teeth and have generally not evolved quite as much as, say, a chihuaha with regard to social graces.

They are generally considered stupid, excel at savage brutality, and don't really get along well with each other let alone other creatures. Their low intelligence lends them to becoming the cheap cannon fodder for cold, calculating Overlords in their bids for complete and utter world Domination, hehehe

DJC: Where do Orcs originate from?

Grimp: Well, oRcs can be found in any dimension where life has evolved and branched beyond the reptilian and into the mammalian mode of existence (no offense to Dragons, of course, the most highly evolved reptiles in the Multiverse).

But, as you may have guessed, orcs are very low on the bipedal evolutionary totem pole, fuckers. But they manage to survive by spreading like an ugly green virus to other dimensions until they've laid all in their path to waste. Pretty cool, huh?

DJC: What is life like on your planet?
 

Grimp: "Planet" is your human metaphorical way of understanding different planes of existence. My "planet" is very warm and cozy for a Grimp, thank you. Now, if you're asking about the orcs' planet…I never actually been there myself. But I'm given to understand that it's a world of constant struggle and contention, making it the perfect training ground for my…er, I mean…the oRcs' bid for World Domination and their entrance into your Dimension at this stage in your world's history.
 

DJC: I have read the story on how you came here and the devouring of humans....but for those who have not, tell us briefly what made you stop here, what you encountered…and what influenced the orcs to start playing metal music.
 

Grimp: Well, when the imp side of me isn't serving some dark lord in hell, the gremlin side of me likes to cruise the dimensions and look for wicked practical jokes to play on unsuspecting fools. I happened upon a group of kids that many of your human kind refer to as "gamer nerds" playing role-playing games. The GM was about to roll a random encounter with his d100 and I thought it would be fucken funny if the next thing he rolled actually came through and scared the unholy shit out of his players.

He rolled on his random encounter table and "A Band of Orcs" turned up. I used my infernal gremlin powers to open a gate between worlds and out came this small scout group of the Gore-Stained Axe Tribe, who you all now know as Gogog Bloodthroat, Cretos Filthgrinder, Gronk!, Hulg ElfR.I.P.per and Oog Skullbasher.

They came out axes swinging and slaughtered those poor damn kids in a heart-beat! Good times, good times…

Anyway, once the orcs were through, I realized I couldn't send them back, and they ran upstairs to kill and loot whatever else they could get their grimy claws on. Well, the GM's older brother, Jed, was upstairs in his bedroom, smoking dope, playing video games, and listening to Slayer. You know, Slayer really saved his life that day.

When the orcs heard the evil, primordial, thrashin', demonic sounds of the lords of hell metal they demanded that Jed show them how to produce such savage music. They recognized a reflection of their souls, I think, and had to become a part of it.

I tell you it's the principles of chaos at their beautiful best. I'm so pleased….

Anyway, Jed piled all the orcs into his 'creep' van (you know the kind with tinted windows and a bad paint job that make you wonder what the hell goes on inside there) and wheeled them on down to the local guitar store.  The orcs proceeded to mostly burn and destroy the music shop, but did manage to salvage some instruments and home recording equipment.

DJC: Where is Jed now?

Grimp: We locked him in the basement of oRc Tower with a video game console. He seems cool with that. The orcs spared him in exchange for music lessons…it turns out he's quite a talented musician and teacher all around, but he isn't very ambitious, fucker. That's alright by the orcs and me, though….
 

DCJ: How does it make you feel when you are associated with other monsters? (such as ogres, mutants, etc...) no offense, of course.

Grimp: Well, I'm not a fucken orc, I already told you that…I know I'm also ugly and green by human standards, and you dummies have a hard time telling different monsters apart (even if it's really fucken obvious to us) but look, I have little imp wings under this vest. When I posed for my portrait with Chuck Lukacs, I didn't think to let the wings out so he could paint them for you all to see. Now, everybody thinks I'm an orc, too. But I'm not, I'm too smart for that, don't you think?

And the orcs…well, the orcs are friggin' terrified of ogres, so when somebody calls them ogres, they take it as a compliment on their strength and ferocity, hahahahahaha. Fucken orcs….

DJC: Does A Band of Orcs get compared to the orcs in the Lord of the Rings? Are they like those orcs at all?
 

Grimp: Never heard of him. Next question please….
 

DJC: What can we expect from a live "A Band of Orcs" show?

Grimp: Depends on the budget. At minimum you should expect a lot of head-banging and jumping about. With a big enough budget expect lots of severed heads, smoke, fire, pikes, elves being thrown into meat grinders, enslaved dancing maidens, and so forth, hahahahahaha! I get all giddy thinking about it….
 

DJC: Any upcoming gigs you'd like to mention?
 

Grimp: At the time, the orcs are focusing entirely on writing and recording their debut EP out soon on Grimpire Records, hahahahha, my own record label, you know.

Oh, and there is the little matter of civilizing the orcs enough to actually play a live metal show without going completely ape-shit and slaughtering their fans, hehehe. That is a pre-condition for live gigs, wouldn't you agree? Can you imagine with the energy stirred up at metal shows how worked up the orcs would get and the carnage that would ensue?
 

DJC: Any rituals you go through before a show?

Grimp: Well, I cast a couple protection spells to keep the other gremlins out there from fucking things up. I've fucked with so many other beings' operations over the millennia that I have to be wary of other Infernals employing revenge tactics. Oh, and I rather suspect the orcs will want to eat the hearts, brains and fingers of other, killer musicians in order to absorb their powers, once they get to gigging, hahahahahahahaha!
 

DJC: Can we expect any "sacrifices" of sorts during a show...or even after?
 

Grimp: As I said, elves in meet grinders and the hearts, fingers and brains of other musicians, hehehe.

DJC: Any other delicacies you prefer, other than humans?

Grimp: Well, myself, being a Grimp, one of my incarnations in your dimension is a fluffy, grey, cantankerous cat…I've acquired quite a taste for sewer rats. The orcs don't actually eat humans for sustenance, they eat people they kill in battle as a way of demonstrating their Dominance over pathetic humans. They'll eat pretty much any kind of meat, though, and find elves particularly tasty; but those are hard to come by in this dimension.
 

DJC: How goes it with the world domination?

Grimp: Fucking great! Considering that the orcs only have 70 second song samples up on their myspace.com/abandoforcs page and our www.abandoforcs.com website for people to listen to. We also have no photographs of the orcs, because the fucken savages mistake flash photography for lightning bolt attacks and have killed several photographers who have tried to snap promo pix for them.
 

So considering the paucity of oRc media available to the public, the response has been overwhelmingly enthusiastic. Just think how fast the fire and the Domination will spread when the orcs complete their EP in May!

DJC: Who is safe from your slaughter?

Grimp: All those who bear the mark of the Tribe: that is all those that fly A Band of Orcs' banner from the turrets of their cyber castles, whether it be their web pages, or their myspace pages; all those who put the orcs in their top friends; all those who purchase and sport A Band of Orcs merchandise from our website; all those who tell their friends about A Band of Orcs and help the ranks of the invasion swell and bring about the Domination that much more quickly; and, of course, all those who go to the shows when they eventually happen!

It's really quite easy to be spared, you see….
 

DJC: What do Orcs do in their "down time"?
 

Grimp: Break shit….
 

DJC: What are some things that would surprise us humans to know about "A Band of Orcs"?
 

Grimp: They like cats.

DJC: What projects are you currently working on, besides the "domination"? (musically speaking)
 

Grimp: Well, the orcs will be recording their debut EP at Trident Studios April 21 – May 1st of this year, with producer Scott Lee Sargeant (M.O.D. guitarist). Look for a summer release of the as-yet-to-be-titled EP and the full scale launch of the invasion, hahahaha!!!!

DJC: I think that about wraps it up. I do want to again thank you, oh great Gruesom Grimp.

Please, drop in anytime...after of course, you are fed!

Grimp: Your welcome, and in closing I'd just like to say, "Fnord!"