Hey Inchoates,

So as promised, here's my review of the Prince of Darkness' first stab at bringing metal to the masses for the low, low price of free!  Why would anyone want to do that?  Well, the Osborne's figured that the price of shows kept going up year after year, as bands demanded more money for gigs, and if they continued at that rate, pretty soon kids would be paying their left arms to go see shows, and, well that just isn't very Metal to charge hundreds of dollars for a concert now is it?  When the announcement first hit the public's ear-drums that Ozzy wanted to put on a Freefest, the question on everyone's mind was "How the fuck is he going to pull that off."  The solution?  Sponsors.  Oh, and well, don't pay the bands.  And the next sentiment to emerge was "Well, fuck, then Freefest is going to suck, because the good bands aren't going to wanna come and play for free.

Wrong!  The bands that wanted to play, because they love fucking playing, came out and made Gronk! and myself bang our heads sufficiently hard to require medical attention the next day.  So, I've decided to give you a brief review of Ozzfest in the form of my new award: The Grimpys!  What the fuck is a Grimpy you say: Well, it's like a Grammy, but better since it's coming from an Abyssal Lord like me   So without further ado, I'll introduce the categories and give out the Grimpys.

Best Biggest Balls of Them All: Ozzy for making a concert of this calibur free. Fuck yeah! I guess we won't really know how it worked out for him financially until the whole tour is over.  But he did manage to sign on some big sponsors and some talented bands did step up to the stage to rock our fucken teeth out.

Best One-Liner: "You wanted the Best, but they weren't available.  So DAATH said, "Fuck yeah, we'll play Ozzfest." --DAATH upon hitting the second stage. Of course, they were referring to the fact that some people believed only shitty bands would play at Freefest.  Not so! Not only does Daath get the Grimpy for the best one-liner of the day, but this progressive Death Metal outfit from Atlanta, Georfia also made me bang my green little head and throw the horns up.  oRc on!!!!

Best Mainstage Performance: Lamb of God!  Yeah, that's right, these rising superstars stepped up and took the gig for free.  In return they got to sell their merch for free.  It's a good thing these guys threw down on the mainstage, because they had the tightest musical performance of the day, as one would expect from the act that went before the Ozzman himself.  It's a shame that shoreline is notorious for shitty sound, 'cause these guys brought it on their end and the ampitheater did not do their chops justice.  They engaged the crowd, praised Ozzy for being the human god father of Metal and made sure to rock the anthems they've become known for "Lay it to Rest," "Walk With Me in Hell," and "Redneck."  Hehehehe, I'll have to talk to the oRcs about writing a tune called "Green-neck!"

Best Second Stage Performance: Behemoth.  These Black Metal warriors from Poland, coaxed the crowd into the most horns held high and the biggest pit on the lot.  But I'll let the next award speak more about them.

Best Overall Performance: Behemoth, on the second stage.  Gronk! and I unanimously agree.  Not only do these guys look cool, with their fucken Black leather armor and big-ass shiny shin-gaurds (well, the singer Nergel had these anyway), and sound cool with their chuga-chug-chug riffs, but they knew how to perform.  No standing around just looking cool for these guys.  No!  They pumped their arms, made faces, brandished their guitars like weapons, and involved the crowd with battle-cries and injunctions to Rock! In response, the crowd moshed hard, brandished devil horns, and shouted in unision to carry the band through on a wave of metal enthusiasm that any politician wish they could have running for office.  Kids, if you have to go to Ozzfest for one reason, do it to see Behemoth make you feel like Conan the Barbarian. Also, I gotta give them demon points for having the simplest, yet most effective stage prop I've ever seen.  They put small, portable risers out for the band to get up onto at key points in the show.  So, for example, when it was time for the guitarist/vocalist to do a lead, he would jump up on the riser and elevate himself up over the rest of the band and the crowd, and that just added another layer to their performance that earned them extra credit from me.  You can be the oRcs will be adding that litle trick to their live shows!

Best oRc-like Vocal from a Human: Karl Sanders.  I'm pretty bummed that I didn't get to actually SEE Nile, as the guardian at the gate wouldn't let me through with the shit-load of A Band of Orcs stickers that I had in my vest pockets, and I wasn't about to throw them away, so I had to hurry back to the battle wagon to deposit them.  I got to HEAR Nile the whole time.  And, while, truth be told, I couldn't really hear what was going on with the rhythm guitars, I COULD hear the drums, the bass, the leads and Karl Sanders bellowing in his best monster voice.  He would have made Gogog proud, had Gogog not been away on a raid in the homeworld!

Best Overall Vocal: would have to go to Maria from In this Moment.  In the sense that she sounded just about as good live as she does on her recordings.  Also, an honorable mention has to be made for the band's performance.  While they didn't oRc me quite as hard as Behemoth did--they did manage to get the crowd to respond to them with horns high.  I think it's clever that Maria always dresses in a bright color (this day she wore a sky blue girly dress) in contrast to her all-black clad band.

Best Stage Look: Lordi.  I so wanted these guys from Finland to Rock when I first saw pictures of them.  Their monster outfits are the best fucken costumes I've ever seen on a band.  Sigh....it's too bad they don't really deliver musically.  What I mean is they look like Death Metal Monsters, but sound like...I don't know...the Rocky Horror Picture show.  Still, if you're into stage shows you can't go wrong with these guys' pyrotechnics and sparking chainsaws.  Just don't expect their music to make you Mosh.  It won't.

Best Guitar Solo: could this even be a fair contest when Zack Wylde is on the bill?  The Grimpy goes to Zack, of course, and probably will continue to do so for as long as he plays Ozzfest, although I do have to admit that whatever-his-name-is from Avenged Sevenfold rocked a pretty neat solo at last year's Ozzfest.  Still, Zack brought it again this year and did all that you would expect a guitar god to do, including playing behind his head and with his teeth and shredding just as hard as when he's slinging the axe normally.  We're not worhty!

Best Bass Performance: Well, this one was a toss up between Blasko (Ozzy) musically and the dude from Static X performance-wise, we have to ultimately go with the dude from Static X, because that mother fucker was into IT.  Marching, stomping, and just generally having a good fucken time.  Sorry, don't know the guy's name but he gave the best performance for a bass player!

Best Drums: The oRcs are going to be enraged at me for saying this!  After the band for which the drummer I'm about to name as my favorite of the day has a song called "Destroy the Orcs."  But, I gotta say that Alexei Rodriguez of 3 Inches of Blood impressed me with his steady control of the double kick and the over all tone of his live drums.  Don't worry, though, the oRcs will get their day in battle with these blasphemers \m/  Now excuse while I hide from Oog Skullbasher for a bit

Best Band I Never Heard Before: While an honorable mention must go to CthoniC of Taiwan for the best metal offering your puny world has had from Asia since Loudness opened up for Iron Maiden in the late '80s, I still have to offer up Behemoth as the best band I had never heard of (well, okay I heard of them but never HEARD them) until Ozzfest.  This is the job of Ozzfest and other tours with opening acts, kids, to get you to hear and see bands you might have otherwise missed in this vast multi-verse of evil talent.

Biggest Draw-back to a Free Concert: It was a pain-in-the-ass to get tickets!  Well, er, at least according to the minions I set to the task of acquiring them.  When the appointed time came for fans to enter their ticket codes into the infernal internet machines, some humans had to wait up to 4 hours while the order was processed.  And that can be nerve-wracking, when you don't know what is going on inside the sick demonic brain of your laptap and you're afraid to close the page and lose your place in line.  Oh well, that's why sometimes it's good to be a Grimp and have minions that can do your menial work for you.

Well, that wraps up the Grimpys for this year.  The bottom line is the price is fucken right for this show and you should all run out and suport Ozzy for attempting to bring metal to the masses for free, and support those bands who didn't need to be guaranteed a paycheck in order to keep the best Metal Festival in the U.S. alive.

Until the Domination, oRc on!!!!

Yours Unruly,

Gruesom Grimp
Chaos Pundit and Band Manager
A Band of Orcs